So I find myself writing a blog.
Something I would never have considered, that is until a phone call from my better half on a five hour train journey changed not only my life, but my perspective on everything from family and friendships, to my own morals and behaviour.
"We" are at 20 weeks right now. Half way! Until yesterday I felt alone. Yep, alone. Don't get me wrong, my family are fantastic and so is my girlfriend and the "in laws". They have shared all our excitement, offered their support both emotionally and financially and passed on words of wisdom my girlfriend and I. So why did I feel this way?
"This will be the best thing to ever happen to you"
"You are going to be fantastic parents!"
"He won't be short of love, I tell you that!"
These words echo round my head every time I question myself for feeling anything else other than happiness and excitement. Without sounding too self confident, yes, I know we will be great parents. Yes, I know it's going to change our lives...for the better. But these words of kindness are from a different generation, from people that from the outside anyone would expect to be close to me...they are my family for gods sake! But do they really know me? No. It could be my own fault for only letting them skim the surface of my life, for not being as open and honest as I would have liked or even expected to be, but that's the way things are. Writing this all down now and looking back over the last 20 weeks, it doesn't really come as a surprise that a complete stranger would set my mind at rest. A guy called Aaron Gouveia.
Someone I didn't know. Someone on the other side of the Atlantic! But it wasn't a book by some doctor, midwife or baby expert author. It wasn't someone from another generation who had "done it all before". It was just some guy telling it like it is! A guy that answered all the questions I didn't even know to ask. If you haven't already done so, check out his article "13 Things All Men Should Know About Pregnant Women"
Why isn't she finding my immature fun poking funny anymore? Does this mean she's regretting this decision to carry my baby? Why aren't my usual "moves" working? Is it because I've put on a few pounds?? Why is she shouting at me for asking if everything's okay?
They're just a few of the questions I have been asking myself over the last 20 weeks. Wondering if I should say these things out loud or if it was just part of my inherited tendency to fret and blow the most minor of issues out of proportion inside my own mind (thanks Mum!). Was it a reaction to the lack of intoxicants that my body and mind have been so badly craving? Or was it the effects from years of over indulgence with them? Possibly a bit of all the aforementioned, but reading Aarons article, apparently not (thank fuck for that!). So I intend to do the same. Maybe not offering such up front advice as Aaron has, but sharing my experience of this life changing journey into fatherhood. Going from all night benders, partying, living for the weekend to being thrust into a world of responsibility and maturity. Friends reactions, their actions (or lack of in some cases), breaking bad habits (some worse than others) and going from drunken conversations of how great it would be to "have a kid in a few years" to preparing for a really real future!
There you have it. That's why I am writing this blog. That's why I intend to barf my brain onto the internet. That's why I intend to share some of the aspects of my life that I haven't even discussed with my closest friends or family. Life is changing for me, and although I can't say I wasn't aware that there must be millions of guys in the same situation as me - I wasn't considering it! If one person reads this and is hit with the same wave of relief and realisation as I did, then my job here is done!